We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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