I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
