FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
