the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
