i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
