The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
