I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
