Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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