You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Never joke about your clitoris.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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