fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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