I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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