you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
