Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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