the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
