Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
