It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You need Xanax blowdarts
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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