Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
