she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
