I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
