I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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