okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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