I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
