haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
