Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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