Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
