U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
