I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
