just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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