i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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