You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
