Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
