apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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