my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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