I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
