My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
