my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
