Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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