im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
