There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
