So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
