YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
