I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
