i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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