I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
