youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
