she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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