I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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