She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
