I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
