Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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