The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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