Moan for me like Helen Keller
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
