Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
