When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
